Dead Inside?

This humble week, both K and I turned another year older. Of course, it's much more exciting to see him turn 3 than for me to turn 31, so I relished in his excitement. He actually demanded (albeit nicely) that I sing Happy Birthday to him on Tuesday morning when I went to wake him up. It was hilarious, enjoyable and made me relish the true happiness of life. Which brings me to this entry's point and title.

This was a big week for everyone's performance reviews at the corporate dwelling I call work. Unfortunately, I was present and/or heard about quite a few performance reviews that did not go well. Many people received lower than expected scores. Now, part of this can be attributed to the fact that maybe lower scores helped ensure lower increases across the board -- but let's just say I had the unfortunate duty of consoling at least three different tear-ups.

Now, here's where I stand. I get up every morning, do my job (and do it well, I think) and then I get on the bus at night and I try to leave it all behind me. I have learned over the past nine years to no longer take it personal. It's just a job. True, the job affords me to do all the things I want in life, but in the grand scheme of things, you cannot let it eat you up and tear you down. I've been there, I let it happen. And like the Phoenix, from the ashes I rose up smarter, and perhaps a little icier inside. I witnessed officers who seeked out pleasure from making others miserable, and considered it icing on the cake if they could make someone cry. My response. Defiance -- I will not let them make me cry. So, perhaps, when it comes to corporate America, I have become a little dead inside. If so, I consider due to my experience and that as long as I do a good job during the day, it's not worth bothering myself when I'm away from work to get "worked up" about it.

Of course, I do sometimes put in long hours, work on the weekends, but I look at it as the little extra to ensure security and what helps make sure I can pay the bills. But I have learned to prioritize and make sure that family will come first. If that means I take a day off so I can take my son to his annual check-up -- then so be it. I also always take at least one day off a month just for myself ... a crucial trick to ensuring mental health.

Yes, I was a counselor most of this week, helping people try to understand how I have managed to stay at one place for almost nine years and how I can still look at myself in the mirror each day. It's not always easy, but the rewards can be worth it.