The Milk Lounge

I've been back to the grind for two weeks now. My brain still has a layer of foggy film over it, but I think I'm getting up to speed on most things. One thing I wish I could change ... what I've affectionately come to call the milk lounge. Of course, because I was delayed in putting in my request for a locker, I am stuck lugging my pump back and forth from my desk to the milk lounge. (Which is situated on a different floor.) Now, I have to say I am lucky that my company has multiple milk lounges available (but they should considering how many of their employees are women of the child-bearing age.) So, in the lounge I tend to frequent, there are a total of six stalls for other lactating professionals.

Now, here's what frustrates me ... or maybe makes me sad. What goes on in those stalls. In addition to lactating, it is the biggest mess of multi-tasking you've ever seen. The other day the women in the stall next to me definitely had her laptop in there with her. (I couldn't even visualize how she was maneuvering a laptop and a pump, so clearly a master at the multi-tasking.) And that was okay, there was just the occasional beeping as she was messing around. It's the ones who are taking care of all their phone calls. I don't really want to hear their frustration with the personal matters in their life ... and of course, for the most part, their identity is secret ... but hearing someone get into a dispute with their spouse over the phone ... not pretty.

At least the multitude of pumps provides a consistent orchestra. As for me ... I find myself either reading a magazine, playing bejeweled or some other game on my palm (at least this way I see if an email comes in) or editing some speech, article or other written material. Hey, I came up with a good ending for a speech for my boss during one session. I guess that that means I am a multi-tasker, too.

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

Okay, so I think I eluded to this earlier, but one of the things that has happened while I was out bonding with my new son was our department realigned within the major corp. As part of this, a lot was suggested that we were going to reorg. So, it's come out now that we are in fact going to reorg. Scary words, but I've been here long enough to have experienced more reorgs than one can imagine. The scary part is now we are being asked what is it that we really, really love to do.

My mind goes blank when I'm asked this question. What I really want to do is write that novel one day, but I can't settle on what I want to write about. What I really want to do is travel the world with my family and enjoy all of life's experiences. (Okay, I'm so ridiculously jealous of Elizabeth Gilbert, how she convinced them to front her for Eat. Pray. Love. She is brilliant.) What I really want to do when it comes to work ... I don't know! I just don't know! I'm pretty flexible and have learned not to say no to opportunity, because it usually opens up doors you haven't even thought were there. So, I think I'm hesitant to say what I want to be when I grow up because I want to throw all caution to the wind and see what happens!

Of course, this isn't the answer I can give. So, I'll be hunkering down with some self-help books over the next few days to determine my strengths (currently, my signature strengths are managing talent and strategic planning - both sound sexy, and so I won't complain if this is what I'm known for professionally.) I'll keep you updated. But what I'm really interested, faithful readers (all five of you) is:

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Not as Sweet a Deal as One Thought

This week has been incredibly long, but also flown by unbelievably fast. I can't believe it's already Thursday night. The first week of work has provided me lots of balls to juggle and things to figure out. It's been rough, my feet ache and I have deep, purple dark circles underneath my eyes. The luxury of having a husband that stays at home with the kids doesn't mean much when we're like passing ships in the night, which has pretty much been the case all this week. Of course, he's left me with little disasters, too. On Tuesday, as he left, O decided to have a blowout about two minutes later. Tonight, he was unable to hold off O from eating for a half-hour so that I could nurse him when I got home and it then made his next feeding time conflict with when I needed to put K to bed. It also left me alone trying to give K a bath, make frosting for the cake he decided to bake (no one asked for it) and clean up the dishes. (yes, he nicely washed the bottles before he left, because he learned the previous night that yes, we have to wash the bottles every day for me to have enough to bring into work to pump.)

All the sweet promises made during my leave about getting up with me and making me coffee while I get ready ... gone to the wayside. Of course, I dismissed those promises because he didn't need to do that ... but now I want the promises back.

I know that I'm just cranky and tired because I am sleep deprived. I know being the stay at home parent is really perhaps the most difficult job in the world ... but, my first week back at work, honey, could you maybe stay home one night so I could actually unwind, put my feet up and have a conversation with my husband before I crash from exhaustion into my bed? Maybe it's too much to ask for. Maybe he needs the escape to get away. I'm hoping that it's just a rough first week, and that within a month we'll have a nice solid routine established. In the meantime, what's the phone number for Spalon Montage? It's time to schedule my massage.

Anxiety Hit Me Walking Through the Skyways

So, yesterday was my first official day back at work. So, from the comfort of my home office, I filtered through emails and tried to organize my calendar. I got 2 percent of what I needed to do accomplished.

Today was my first day in the office. O decided he was hungry at 4 a.m., so sticking to my plan, after feeding him, I proceeded to go work out and then get ready for the day... Somehow, I still didn't get out the door until 6:30. Part of this was because my car, which hasn't been driven in 12 weeks needed a jump start. Fortunately, D was awake, because he thought O was hungry (because he was making just a little bit of noise.) After convincing him that O wasn't hungry, just awake and wanting to play, he at least made me some coffee to help fuel the rest of my day.

As I walked through the skyways to get to my office building ... I think I had an anxiety attack. My palms started to sweat and I got a little short of breath. Now, maybe it was just that I walked half a mile in the skyways carrying about 200 lbs of crap. But in reality, it probably was an anxiety attack. A lots changed while I've been out, but a lot of things that should have changed haven't. So, it was definitely fear of what am I walking back into.

So, it was a unique day to be the first one back in the office. It's our big spring meeting where the executives set up the vision for the year and it's sprinkled with entertainment (like Michael Buble, Nick Jonas, Norah Jones, Lady Antebellum and Pearl Jam (yep, they played at a corporate event)). It was also my first day realizing I would have to vie for time in the lactation room. Apparently a million women are lactating and we all want to pump at the same time. I actually had to wait in line. I couldn't believe it. I'm going to attribute this to the fact that everyone was trying to pump before the meeting started. Then at the meeting (which was held at a major sports center) I had to pump in a suite with another woman, because the lactation room there was full. Seriously ... I'm not shy and they are just boobs, but pumping with a complete stranger ... not the most comfortable thing I've ever done.

Now, I'm ready to crash, but I have to get everything set up for tomorrow. I was never one to pick out my outfits the night before ... but I think I'm going to have to if I want to survive until O and I get on a consistent schedule.

Final Day Before Back to Reality

Yes, today is my last day before I return to the grind back to corporate America. As many mothers who work outside of the home, I have very mixed feelings about this. But I will say that this time is much harder. Which is somewhat strange being that it should almost be easier. Easier because I know my kids will be staying home with daddy during the day while I work. Easier knowing that at any point in the day I can make a quick call to see how they are doing. Easier because it's my second time doing this so I've been through it all before.

I think it's harder because for the last 12 weeks, my sweet family of four has enjoyed such blissful quality family time. (yes, there were moments when you wanted some solo time and would surrender) I'll miss being able to share nap time with K and just snuggle all day with O. I'll miss the extra hours of conversation my husband and I squeezed in during the first month when we'd both suffer through the multiple nighttime feedings. Of course, I wish that my leave had started out differently. I would have preferred no NICU time and being able to bring my second son home with us when we left the hospital. It's unfair that his first Christmas was spent sitting in a hospital. But at 12 weeks old, he's amazing. Just as amazing as his older brother. It's amazing how priorities can quickly shift.

I'm lucky, though, at least my transition back to corporate America will begin with the first day in my office at home, just unearthing through too many emails and getting my calendar in order. My boss, so graciously, of course also gave me five things to work on from home that day, too. So I certainly won't really be easing back in, since apparently I should be diving back in. But ... maybe that's better, too. We'll just have to wait and see.

My Living Room

I love my living room. It's my sanctuary in the house and definitely a room overflowing with Wabi Sabi. Mind you, the furniture doesn't match, and it's sort of halfway done from a design standpoint, but it provides me a calm place to sit down, sip a nice hot cup of coffee and read a good book.

I think for the longest time, D didn't understand why whenever I would have company, I would keep them in the living room versus bringing them down to our family room on the level below. But I think the rooms are very much opposites. The family room is just that - a room where our family is loud, full of energy and spends a great deal of our time. It's where our sons play and create their different worlds, building their castles, playing in the baby gym and just being a family. It's where we unwind at night together, having conversation or watching some reality show. It's a loud room by definition because that's what we want it to be. It's where we sit around our fireplace and warm up.

The living room is where I rejuvenate. The only thing the living room asks of you is to live as you wish. With our introduction of family reading time, I think D finally understood the peace and joy of the living room. If we had tried to do our reading in the family room, there would have been too many distractions and we wouldn't have accomplished our simple goal of enjoying the chapter we were reading. In the living room, you snuggle in the comfy sofa or chair of your choice and just be. One day, I will get the living room to look like it all matches. Where the sofas match the rest of the furniture, and we replace the beige carpet with wood floors and a nice rug. But at the present time ... I'm in no rush. For rushing would defy the very intent of the room.

Maybe I Am That Kind of Parent

Last night during American Idol:

K: Mommy, Daddy - I want to be on American Idol.

Me: If the show is still on in 13 years, I will support you to try out on the show.

As the words came out of my mouth, I realized something. I've always felt bad for the contestants who go on the show and can't sing and then they walk out and their parents are there with their arms open and supportive. I've always questioned why they let their kids try out if they knew they couldn't sing. Now I get it. As a parent, you may realize your child's talents have set limits, but do you tell them that or do you support them and do what you can to help them try to realize their dream?

As parents, are we blind to our children's abilities? Do we think they are good when the outside world might not support their artistic endeavors. Probably. Because I will probably be blinded by love and think that everything that K and O do is amazing. So, I now apologize to all those parents who I questioned why they let their kids hearts get broken. They probably genuinely thought their children had talent and were on their way to super stardom.

Lion in the Library

Today was the first day I got to put in to action my theory about staying up after I fed O at 4:30 in the morning. So, after I fed my precious little man, I changed into my workout clothes and decided to take the day head on. Now, my body still aches from the workout I did on Monday, so I thought I'd just do a little yoga. While I hate my cable bill, one of the benefits is he OnDemand feature -- and specifically, the Exercise TV options that are OnDemand. So, I decided to take on Jillian Michael's Yoga Melt (it was her 30 Day Shred that has me aching ... so maybe her Yoga exercise will get me stretched out enough to not feel the pain.)

After 30 minutes of a decent yoga workout, I made a pot of coffee and headed up to the shower. All my boys were still asleep. This might work, I thought. As I got out the shower, I heard it. "Mommy ... mooommmmmy. I'm awake." Oh, K, must you wake up before 7 a.m. So, my little man joined me downstairs. While I had to have breakfast, because I was starving, he refused. But the noise woke up D. I guess it was good in the end, because normally I'd be heading out the door at this time. D had no complaints, he just smiled and greeted the day. (I guess it was a good thing that he went to bed early the night before.)

So, then we sat down as a family and read a little more of our current Percy Jackson book ... at about 8:30. My body gave up. I needed to take a nap. I couldn't stay awake any longer. I had to succumb, I had to let my eyes close. But I couldn't fall asleep. I just lay there for a half hour, willing sleep to come. Alas, it did not. So, I got up and carried on. I decided I need to go and do something.

"K, do you want to go to the Library today?" K was excited. Now, we've never actually been to the library before. We tend to just go to the book store and buy our books. But, I thought it might be good to introduce K to the library and it might be better for my pocketbook to start going there myself. So, I looked at their Web site to check their hours. Then I got K and myself ready to go. The library is less than two miles from our house, so we got there in less than five minutes. The sign said closed. I was confused. Then I looked closer. A horrible feeling washed over me. "It's Wednesday today ... urgh!" When I had looked at the hours on the Web site, I had looked at Thursday's hours. The library doesn't open until noon on Wednesdays. Alas, we'll try our adventure again this afternoon. But the simple mistake was another sign that my body needs to adjust faster!

Tummy Time

As I watch O during his mandated daily tummy time, it made me think. Tummy time is a lot like life in general. You need to do it if you want to develop and evolve and become a stronger person with the ability to one day be self-sufficient. It's perhaps the most frustrating part of the day. It's a struggle, trying to force yourself to do things you know you can do, but for some reason, your body is not cooperating. He's a good sport and doesn't get really frustrated until we're a couple minutes into it. So, my assessment is that the guy is giving it a good try. However, it's during the next stage, when he's frustrated and really pushing himself that he actually accomplishes the little goals he needs to. It's then that he lifts his head up and turns it to the other side. I think what it tells me is if things are too easy in life and we aren't a little frustrated ourselves, we might not push it that one extra step that we need to to accomplish our goals.

It May Be a Rough Ride

Today was the first day that I set my alarm with all the intentions of getting up and preparing for returning to work. The result: it may be a rough ride ahead.

O is now sleeping from 10 p.m. to 4/4:30 a.m. without waking up to eat. This is great (and definitely not similar to K, who didn't sleep like that until seven months.) This morning, he work up at 4:30, so it was a little after 5 when I laid him back down and had to make the big decision. I set my alarm for 6, because i figured I could just slowly each it forward until I got it to 5:15, my old time. Should I go back to sleep or stay up? Of course, I chose to crawl back into my warm, comfy bed. Wrong choice. Falling back asleep resulted in my decision to just keep hitting the snooze button at 6. So, I came to the realization, that unfortunately, if this will be our routine, I will need to stay up and just get ready for work after feeding him. The con - my days are going to be long. Unfairly long.

The positive. I guess I will have a built in time for working out. Which apparently, I need. You see, as I finally got out of bed this morning, I walked downstairs. My loving husband had a pot of coffee all ready and greeted me with a sweet good morning. Then, he made a funny little face. I looked at him and asked what was wrong. His response: Well ... you have a little bit of belly hanging out ... it kind of looks like when a really fat person has lost a lot of weight and the skin is just hanging there. Um ... thanks. I believe I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, so yeah, my stomach was stretched out and it is now just hanging there empty. While I was planning on working out today anyway, a little extra motivation just crept in. Nice.