Happiness

"Are you happy, honey?" D asked me this evening.

"Sure. Why?"

"I just want to make sure every thing's copacetic"

"Why?"

"You haven't been in the best of moods lately, that's all."

Then we entered an entertaining debate of who's job is more stressful. Of course, we each have our own reasons for why our job is the most stressful one. In the end, we agree to knowing that we each have stressful jobs. I make more money, so that's supposed to even out some of the stress. (Ha, ha)

Then I have to wonder, why I am I settling for a job that stresses me out on a regular basis. Shouldn't there be a massive awakening when in the last two weeks I've had two different people tell me that they don't know how I do my job, how I handle the stress level, that it's almost inhuman... Perhaps, I live off the stress, I live off the praise when it comes through, more than I let on. I like having to eat Pepcid AC and drink club soda to soothe my stomach and the fact that I had chest pains all weekend and I know it was because of stress made me feel accomplished.

But then ... I'd be lying to myself if I believe I enjoyed all of that. The truth is, I've gotten used to the corporate lifestyle - both the stress, the ridiculous demands, the combative atmosphere and, of course, the paycheck. It's that paycheck that's the toughest bit. Once you get used to living to that paycheck, it seems almost impossible to think you could downsize. Now, I've known lots of friends who've done just that. They'll go down to one paycheck after having their first child, or they realize non-profit is a better way to live with themselves.

Every day, I think to myself, maybe, just maybe I could downsize and do work that gets me excited every day... then another bill pours in, or I want to buy something and I know that it's my paycheck that allows me to do these things.

Damn the man ... save the empire!