Emotions

This morning when I log in to my computer at work and pull up my e-mail, I'm greeted by a subject entitled "Prayers for V". Immediately, I wonder what is going on. V is my grandpa. My strong as a redwood, lived through all of life's challenges, grandpa.

I read the e-mail to find out that he is in intensive care due to an infection that has entered his blood stream. I am immediately overcome with concern for my grandfather, great anger that I am reading this in an e-mail, and a feeling of helplessness. I call my mother to ask her what the hell is going on. She tells me that she forgot to call me, because she had so many things go on, but she didn't realize he was not in intensive care - she knew he'd had surgery. but SHE FORGOT TO CALL ME!! And the only reason my one sister knew about it was BECAUSE SHE CALLED HER ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!!

The anger builds. I work in communications for a living, but clearly, my family has no idea how to communicate. The frustration builds. I have to leave for a meeting... I take the 7 block walk to calm myself. Wiping the tears away and composing myself before I sit down.

The meeting is a two hour training, that I helped review the scripts for the online module portions, so it's important that I be there. I end up having to sit at a table with some higher-up muckity mucks. Now, I know they have my best interest in mind, they want to help me shine, but my mind is not on this interactive training and making sure I come across as a know it all. After sitting through an hour of listening to them try to wax ecstatic, we get a break. I look in sea of 200 people for my boss and her boss. I find them. I go to tell them that I am planning on leaving early... but then I begin to lose it. I can't keep my composure, what is wrong with me?? My boss' boss tells me that I am not staying at work, to leave now and do what I need to do... she gives me a hug (bless her, she doesn't know that I hate being touched, but from her, it's okay).

My boss drives me to my car. It is here that I completely lose it. The fear of losing my grandpa, knowing that my grandma won't be able to handle the despair... it overcomes me. I'm consumed with grief. I pick up K and we drive the 60 minutes to the hospital.

K lifts Papa's spirits as they laugh together and play patty cake. It's hard, the nurse (or maybe it's medical assistant) keeps coming in and changing tubes and taking blood) but my grandpa looks well, considering, and he enjoys the time with his great grandson and we talk about various things and I know that my grandpa who's beat all of life's other challenges will continue to be a survivor. Please keep him in your prayers.